Heart Full

Everyone has an embarrassing moment in their life, some of us are so blessed as to have more than one, and others still, so many that counting is impossible. These moments have been some of the most enlightening experiences for me, yet with single-minded determination I push the embarrassing weeds of my life into the dark corners of my mind.

Then, like clock work, just when I’m beginning to believe that I have this life-thing under control, my nemesis (who is no longer my brother) reminds I have nothing. What I have managed to acquire instead, is not control, or “ease” but actually ego. We’ll take this past weekend as Exihbit A.

I was in my usual Sunday morning class, All Levels Vinyasa. I had barely arrived on time, sleep was still clawing at my eyes, but I was managing to ground myself with every touch of the mat. I felt my practice was strengthening, I thought for a few breaths I was getting better, maybe I finally deserved to be where I was, at the front of the class. I was feeling so confident about myself and my practice that when it came time to headstand , I didn’t think twice. I had done it dozens of times, and even if my variant resembles more of a broken pencil than a true headstand I was fairly stable in my extended-egg pose. Besides, I had done it just last week in class, it was no problem, today was MY day.

I rolled in and up, feeling secure and aligned. My inverted-squat pose was stable, I felt comfortable enough to extend. For two glorious seconds, all was right in my upside down world. Then against every fibre in my body, my hips shifted, and the inverted egg cracked, I tumbled with the most blood-curdling kind of crash, the kind that could only happen at-the-front-of-the-class. My well deserved place.

Leslie (another teacher-in-training) rushed across the room, I sensed her coming as I was crashing. I looked up at her, a disoriented mess on the floor, thankfully unhurt. She seemed genuinely concerned, but quickly saw that at least physically I was unharmed, “It’s OK”, I sighed, “just my ego” I added silently. And it really was, my ego, because if I had kept my honestly about my practice, I’d have known, I was coming into it full of my “I-ntention”.

After class Kristin came over, in her comforting way. My last mortifying moment came out of its’ dark corner, and I remembered. It was also in her class, at the front of the room, quite possibly worse than this last one. It was a defining moment for me, that I had pushed aside, one of the most important reasons why I chose to be in her class. She keeps it real, she empathizes, she makes you laugh, and then she makes you understand.