Heart Full

I’ve completed the first week of the teacher training program at New York Yoga. It’s an intimate program, ten partipants in all. And after just one weekend with these girls, I feel like we’re all “friendlies”. At the same time, I feel that for everyone in the program this respresents some kind of milestone in thier lives. Maybe they’ve considered this for a long time, and now it feels right, maybe they were uncertain, but took the dive, did something for themselves.

I guess, I’m there for all of the above. In the past year that I’ve been practicing yoga, I’ve changed. It’s like I’ve discovered something, I had long since forgotten. When I was younger taking dance lessons, I loved it, I couldn’t get enough of it, and from the ages of 5-13 it consumed me, until around the age of 15, when I finally let it go. I fell out of love with it, I got busier in school, I noticed boys , people said it wasn’t a serious profession, all of the above.

One day, I wasn’t dancing anymore, I stopped hearing the music in my heart, and over the years I’d convinced myself that I loved it only because it was the one thing I was good at, as a child. Maybe all of that is still true. But I also believe that even as a child, I realized that the movements of the body could bring peace in my mind. And more than a decade later, I’ve found it again, that inner satisfied peace. It’s like looking in a mirror and finally seeing a reflection that isn’t blurry.

In the past year, I’ve also seen Josh’s commitment to his hobbies, how he practices every day, just to get a little bit better. He devours books on the subject, and just when I think he’s going to throw in the towel, he doesn’t. Sometimes I wished he would, so then I wouldn’t have to know, that I CAN do more with my time, I’m just choosing not to.Which brings me here, to my mat, on the floor in teacher training. Finally ready to stop making excuses as to why I can’t commit, and accept that baking the donuts at my day job just isn’t fulfilling even if it does pay the bills.

So tomorrow I go back, to my mat, to the class. Ready to gaze fearlessly at myself, and begin asking the question I have for so long ignored. And if I don’t have the answers tomorrow, that’s OK, as Kristin (my guru) says, “sometimes just asking the question is enough”, today it is.