Heart Full

I walked into class today, thinking I had a handle on the teacher training program. I felt, that since we were past the halfway mark, the rest of the program was going to progress similarly to the last couple of weeks. I was comfortable with the assists, and any lecture after anatomy was bound to be easy. I took my (comfortable) seat, ready to take notes, and absorb information. Today’s talk would be philosophy and more esoteric yoga. I was eager to learn both topics, but had already decided that I accepted the esoteric teachings only on a conceptual / scholarly level. It was fine as part of my education, but not part of my spiritual development. I mean, wheels of energy? Along my spine? Honey please. I’ve seen this chestnut before and I have to say, if the wheel with a thousand petals was there, I’d have known about it. Going forward I’ll keep in mind, decades of denial doesn’t mean the flower isn’t there, it just means it hasn’t blossomed.

How appropriate that it would be my first love, sound, to usher in my first enlightenment. Prana, was the topic, living, vital, and nourishing energy, what some call chi, or even “the force”. Our guest lecturer proposed that this prana (energy) could be created, and its’ flow navigated not by the obscure chakras, but by us, through humming. Skepticism was loudly rattling, and the exercises weren’t convincing me, instead they were putting me to sleep. In fact, I was asleep, and had just woke up when she was working us into into bridge and had us chant / hum the sounds that built energy. I got to “Vam” the sound of the second chakra, when I felt an internal vibration, and it wasn’t mild. The vibration continued with “Ram” the sound of the third chakra, but diminished progressively with “yam” (the chakra of the heart). I was awake, and I wanted more. When she asked for a volunteer to demo a pose, I took the opportunity to dive in.

I stood in front of the class, a bit nervous, but feeling the love. I closed my eyes, and she moved me into a variant of ardha chandrasana, prompting me to half hum- half chant the seven building (bij) sounds – laaaaam laaaam, vaaaam, raaaam, yaaaaaam, haaaaam, *gasp for air* ohm ohm, ohmmmmmmm — my world silently and slowly withdrew. Inhale, find my center. Exhale, repeat – laaaaam laaaam, vaaaam, raaaam, yaaaaaam, haaaaam, *softer inhale for air* ohm ohm, ohmmmmmmm. Inhale to find my center, tadasana. I could still feel the vibrations, and if I didn’t know better I would’ve sworn that there was a visible halo around me. I cracked my eyes open, I felt as if I’d been gone for hours. Everyone was smiling, and J our guest teacher was beaming, “Do you see anything different about her”? She asked in a way that almost implied SHE could see something different, is that possible? Maybe I shouldn’t be looking with my eyes. Something had changed. The chakras? The prana?

I’m unsure what to make of the experience, I feel strange talking about it, I’m afraid they’ll look at me the same way they look at people who swear they “see dead people”, I have hope that the other girls felt it too, that slight shift in the soul, as if light had finally shined into the dark corners.