Dark side of the moon • 03.04.08
Our teacher talked through one of the meditations her teacher had worked through. It went something like, imagine yourself in a clearing, the trees and sky are bright. After settling in, begin to call out your name, and see who comes forward. With honesty she revealed that she didn’t like any of the manifestations of her that came out, and as the meditation progressed, it only disturbed her more.
I decided to try the meditation at home, as part of my practice. I lit the candle, burnt some lavender oil, really cementing the mood, and moved into my meditation. Not surprisingly I found that I didn’t like the Marie that came out from behind the trees. Unexpectedly no matter how many times I called my name hoping to find another, SHE came out, she refused to be ignored, my dark side of he moon.
Let me describe her to you. In class, she decides there are some people she just doesn’t like. Maybe she feels that they muscle themselves into moves, try to get too much attention, seem to think they’re so great, so enlightened even if they seem only concerned with the asana (posture) part of the practice. She feels she’s justified in her dislike for those students.They’re the ones, after all behaving like they’re the master yogi
What she won’t admit is that she singles out people who do the asanas better than her, or maybe they kind of looks like her but skinnier and more advanced, which bothers her, breeding envy in her blood. My mind recognizes this isn’t helping me, for my own sanity I need to get over it. But sometimes I can’t, SHE over takes, and I become fixated on this poor soul who is now the victim of the daggers shooting from my eyes.
She follows me everywhere, polluting and tarnishing all of my endeavors, because wherever I go, I find someone else, that bothers me in that elusive, unreasonable way. What’s worse, is that sometimes I use her. I use her festering annoyance or envy to motivate myself to practice a posture until I too, can do it. And I feel good about it, even if I had to bankrupt my spiritual development to do it.
I haven’t found the strength to get rid of her, part of me likes that she motivates me, but lately I’ve become more and more ashamed of it. I hope that now that I’ve recognized her, and called her name, I’ll find a way to work with her, so that we can become whole, a union, a yoga.
