Heart Full

Voted by Citysearch as the best yoga studio in New York City since 2005, Sonic Yoga. I’ve been studying this yoga studio for some time, it offers an incredibly competitive membership price, including such tempting offers as 3 months unlimited for $180, well reviewed workshops, and a couple NYY teachers all at Sonic, it was almost too good to be true.

I arrived early, believing I’d have a harder time finding it than I did, but Google Maps can fix even the most hopelessly directionally challenged. I took in the small boutique, spacious couches, and soft water fall, I liked it. As I settled into the couch I noticed that the door to the studio was glass, how novel. I had begun to believe observing yoga classes was discouraged, (and the jury is still out) I was given a glimpse to an impressive space. Clean, long wooden planks, with soft natural light touching all corners. I liked the curtain motif at the front of the room, but secretly believe…Laughing Lotus has perfected the curtain art.

As time for my class approached, I had the luxury of watching the incoming students. And as they grew in number so did my anxiety. There was only one other girl there who didn’t seem to know anyone, and was questioned assertively on her yoga experience, “could it be that advanced?”, I wondered, “…this wasn’t an ashram … could it be so different  from the other yoga studios I’d been to”? It was. I looked around, and increasingly noticed all the other students knew each other, and not just a little bit, but well. I hadn’t seen this level of familiarity since my teenage years and-20-lbs-younger dancer days. These girls had spent a lot of time together, a retreat?

It wasn’t just the students either, but also the teacher. She spoke to them with such easy familiarity, it became painfully clear that I was odd man out. And just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, it did. She reveals we’ll be doing partner yoga … later. Great. Middle school no-lunch-table-to-sit-at memories taunted me, “just wait” they said, “when the time comes, no one will be your partner”. Nice.

And while I’d been trained better than this, and should have had more confidence than that, the thought plagued my practice. I couldn’t manage any of the inversions, not even a an “egg shape” tripod. And as fate would have it, virtually the whole class was focused on inversions. My heart ached for Sun Salutations.

Partner yoga came and went, it wasn’t nearly as scary as I thought, 3 of us were without partners, and just decided to do a series of Full Wheels rather than awkwardly mounting strangers / partners. But, making it’s way stubbornly through my unnecessary anxiety, I learned more asana in this class than any other I can recall. I can actually visualize the mechanics of forearm stand, and countless other poses, and how I might contort myself into them. Still, my soul was not satisfied.

There have been times, when I felt the class was too slow, too much time on meditation, but now that I was almost completely deprived of the spiritual focus, I wanted it, even if I practically didn’t deserve it, after all that drama.

While I was enviously admiring the girls’ flexibility and graceful acrobatics, I couldn’t help but wonder if I was in Yoga or gymnastics, and which one did I actually want to do more? Because I might say “meditation”, but truthfully I only practice asana. Even more truthful, up until that moment, I didn’t think there was anything wrong with it.