A for effort?
I’ve caught myself in a cycle of inertia, inactivity. I keep doing what I do because I’ve built up so much momentum, it’s easy. I haven’t attended a class for almost 2 weeks, my body is stiffening, but I can’t find the motivation to go. The beckon of the home, warmth, TV and my finance’s attentions are too tempting. I start off with the best intentions, I bring my clothes, mat, even water bottle to work, all with the intention that after work I’ll find my center. But I don’t. Instead, I’m terribly off-center.
My body is tightening, I can feel the trickle of discomfort. My patience is wearing alarmingly thin. I find myself brooding over the days events, things that bothered me, angry words that I’ve desperately wanted to spit out at people. Small sounds of annoyances are creeping back into my conversation, a heavier breath, more use of “dead air” for response, or just a biting and abrasive response. My environment hasn’t changed, but I have.
The worst part about this whole cycle, is my upcoming class at the end of this week. What can I possibly imbue my students with? My own sense of inactivity, lack of motivation? Perhaps my acute frustration. I feel that I’ve been undertaking personal goals, growth, finally tackling some issues that once resolved I think would make me feel better. I’ve slowly been chipping away at these goals for about 3.5 months now, and I’ve seen little progress. I’ve heard the plateau argument before, and that it’s during these times that I need to push more, but wouldn’t a little reward be nice? Whatever happened to the “A” for effort?
They say that you can’t succeed if you don’t try, but if you don’t succeed, and you really tried, is that worse than not trying at all? The, “but now you know more” counter doesn’t console me. I don’t want to know more, i just want a little recognition. A little “A” for my effort. And yes, that “A” I do believe would help balance me.
