Heart Full

Once the word gets out that you practice yoga, and that you practice regularly, people approach you with a myriad of reactions and questions. I tell people that I practice yoga, but I try to build a balanced practice, and make a concerted effort to not just practice asanas.  To my surprise, I’ve found that most people react negatively to that. One of my closest friends Deb who I’ve been going to some yoga classes recently, remarked she didn’t  want to do any meditation, instead she emphasized, “I like this kind of yoga” — referring to the class we had just done at Laughing Lotus, a class marked by it’s refreshing sequencing, and creativity, but also by it’s vigorous Vinayas Flow (level 2/3). And I wondered how many other yogis felt the same way as my friend, not really interested in exploring the subtle practices, more into the workout.

Interestingly enough, I ran into several others later that week. People who believed that yoga was pretty much only asanas, or a kind of aerobics. Some were yoga practitioners, many were people who just knew of yoga from a friend, or even a friend of a friend. It was an enlightening realization, though not entirely surprising. My vision of yoga until my first class was what I saw on Sesame Street, and the strange contortionists from India. I feel badly now, of my gross misconceptions, but I also feel like there should be a media of some kind that shows yoga’s wide spectrum of practices. After all, isn’t it more important to practice yoga off-the-mat? Frankly, not too many people care about how I do my downdog, they do notice how I treat them, and they’ll notice even more if suddenly take my broomstick out of its’ semi-retirement, and it is itching to get back to work.

Recently, focusing on the other practices of yoga has become critically important to me. Having been recently diagnosed with elevated cholesterol and a heart condition — I realized that I hadn’t been practicing those “other areas” half as much as I claimed. I’ve been mindlessly eating for a long time now, possibly years. It shows not just in the expanded waistline, but in the elevated cholesterol my doctor had started to notice. More importantly, my new found heart condition apparently is brought on by prolonged stress. Imagine my shock.

Stress?! !! I had reached out to family who had the condition, and who lovingly shared with me their experiences, just to put my major worries at ease. I couldn’t believe what they were telling me, “stress?” I asked again, “are you sure it doesn’t just come randomly?” My cousin (who has the same condition) hesitated, “well … generally it’s brought on by prolonged stress.” So there it was. My daily rituals of yoga, now looking back admittedly focused on asanas, had come to haunt me. Was I just using yoga as another more interesting kind of treadmill, really just trying to sweat out the stress? Possibly. NO! My inner voice wailed, I’d been trying to hard to cultivate my mediation practice, my relationship to the environment, focusing on the yamas and niyamas. But deep down I knew that no matter how many hours I had devoted to these things, I hadn’t been taking it off-the-mat. I was applying these principles only during the time I had set aside for my “practice”. Off the mat, I was still getting agitated when my husband left his dirty laundry on the floor, or his general “messes” , — I inventoried and itemized them in my mind. I should’ve let it go, aparigraha. Each one of those “little things” I couldn’t let go of made their way into my heart, until finally it was full.

Since my unfortunate discovery and diagnosis, I’ve come to re-evaluate my growth. I’m learning that the time I set aside isn’t the only time I should practice. My little mindless habits — things I chalked up to “my nature” caused me anxiety, annoyance, and ultimately hurt people I loved, since I saved my litany of grievances for that rainy day when my memorized list would be sure to overwhelm thier own. Hopefully this time, when I act like I don’t notice or care, I (mostly) won’t.