Heart Full

The dharmas (parable like stories) in class are usually about general concepts. Sometimes, it’s about learning to breathe in the now, learning that it’s OK to take care of ourselves, how to be more present, more mindful. Generally, the closest I’ve experienced to religious tones in class are some of our chants, until the other day. Our instructor told us about devotion in the tale of Krishna and Radha . I wanted to share it, because I found it surprisingly moving. And couldn’t help but wonder if I could ever know, this kind of devotion.

Radha, was Krishna’s favorite amongst the gopis (cow girls). Krishna favored her not because she was beautiful, bright or even a good person. He favored her because of her unconditional devotion, the kind that would follow the object of its affection to whatever end, no questions asked. Eventually, he departed to guard virtue and truth, she waited for him. He fought countless battles, became a king and lord of he universe. Still she waited. He even married, Rukmini and Styabhama, raised a family, fought more wars, and still she watied.

On the one hand, I want to tell this woman to get a grip. On the other, I’m touched that her devotion symbolizes a soul yearning to be united with the universe, to know nirvana. And I know that if that is the level of devotion needed, then I just don’t have it in me, at least not now and probably not ever. I mean I can’t even maintain a consistent vegetarian diet, and I really want to. After a year and a half of practice, I don’t think I’m necessarily that much close to this kind of yearning, then I was the day I started. In fact the road seems so long and so difficult, that I’m inclined to not even start. Hence, my stagnating meditation practice.
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I went to a meditation workshop today at the Tibet House, led by Sharon Salzberg. I’d been looking forward to coming, the talk had received glowing reviews, and as an added bonus, I would be seeing my old friend Simon. There was a simple, inviting kind of warmth in the Tibet’s House. It reminded me of the warmth I often find in a yoga studio, the connection in sharing a space and practice.

I took off my shoes and entered the room, I wasn’t sure what I was expecting , but I was surprised to see the lecture style set up, chairs surrounding a small platform at the front. I suppose I’d become too accustomed to sitting in “my comfortable seat” on the floor. She started off with a quick introduction, her manner and voice were inviting, and maybe even a touch maternal. I could immediately tell, that despite the set up this would be more of a conversation than a lecture, I smiled. Wonderful. She then guided us through our first meditation, and I happily settled into the space and buttery quality of her voice.

Her lecture focused on loving kindness, where she delved into the Buddhisms five hindrances, and states of mindfulness. It was instructive, and exactly what I had been hoping for, just enough to understand without being overwhelmingly informative. Throughout the lecture, I couldn’t help but notice “yoga” terminology peppered throughout. Phrases suchas “energetically”, “mindful awareness”, even non-existent words like, “connectedness”. Which started my mind down the road of “what would my meditation practice be like without yoga?”

In the early days, yoga was not an end in and of itself, it was a means to help yogi’s develop a strong meditation practice, by creating a supple body that could sustain stillness for endless medtation sessions. Some of the meditation may be been lost in many of today’s yoga practices, but I couldn’t help but notice that coincidently the yoga was missing in today’s meditation practice.

She spoke of “walking” meditation, vs. seated meditation, and how to develop the disciple to meditate even when the environment was far from perfect. As we moved into our second (and last) guided meditation, I couldn’t help but become aware of the fidgeting noise around me. Movement caused by physical discomfort of having been in a hard seat for the past hour and a half. I tried to be yogic about it, as I labeled my thought as “judgment” and pressed on. But I know, that had it not been for yoga, I would have also been fidgeting in ways that would have antagonized Simon, and everyone else in a 5 body radius of me. And after all of these downward dogs, and suryanamaskaras I think i finally understood how yoga developed into such an intense practice, only with movement can you find stillness in a world of motion.