Heart Full

It was someone’s birthday, our instructor seemed excited that the birthdayee was spending it in her class. She smiled, “it’s wonderful … it fits perfectly with my dharma talk”. I assumed this meant she was going to talk about the wonder and the miracle of life, always an inspiring topic, but nothing new. I closed my eyes, ready to meditate on the beauty of life. Instead, she spoke about Halloween, or ‘All Hallows Eve’, as it was formerly called. All Hallows Eve and All Saint’s Day, is a time, when we as a culture turn our attention to the other side, the spirits. The spirits during these holidays, wander perhaps a little longer and a little more freely than they do on other nights of the year. Interesting … but still not quite getting it.

Some of these spirits are what various eastern cultures call “hungry ghosts”. I’d heard of hungry ghosts growing up, I had always just assumed these ghosts were noisy, not too friendly, and ‘hungry’ in a sense for our soul. Not so, she explained that these spirits had a head as small as the top of a needle, and mouths even smaller than that, but with stomachs unimaginably large, gigantic. These were hungry ghosts, ghosts who could not satisfy their hunger, because their mouths were too small to nourish them. These people had been greedy in life, and this was the form to work out that karma.
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The dharmas (parable like stories) in class are usually about general concepts. Sometimes, it’s about learning to breathe in the now, learning that it’s OK to take care of ourselves, how to be more present, more mindful. Generally, the closest I’ve experienced to religious tones in class are some of our chants, until the other day. Our instructor told us about devotion in the tale of Krishna and Radha . I wanted to share it, because I found it surprisingly moving. And couldn’t help but wonder if I could ever know, this kind of devotion.

Radha, was Krishna’s favorite amongst the gopis (cow girls). Krishna favored her not because she was beautiful, bright or even a good person. He favored her because of her unconditional devotion, the kind that would follow the object of its affection to whatever end, no questions asked. Eventually, he departed to guard virtue and truth, she waited for him. He fought countless battles, became a king and lord of he universe. Still she waited. He even married, Rukmini and Styabhama, raised a family, fought more wars, and still she watied.

On the one hand, I want to tell this woman to get a grip. On the other, I’m touched that her devotion symbolizes a soul yearning to be united with the universe, to know nirvana. And I know that if that is the level of devotion needed, then I just don’t have it in me, at least not now and probably not ever. I mean I can’t even maintain a consistent vegetarian diet, and I really want to. After a year and a half of practice, I don’t think I’m necessarily that much close to this kind of yearning, then I was the day I started. In fact the road seems so long and so difficult, that I’m inclined to not even start. Hence, my stagnating meditation practice.
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