Heart Full

Our teacher talked through one of the meditations her teacher had worked through. It went something like, imagine yourself in a clearing, the trees and sky are bright. After settling in, begin to call out your name, and see who comes forward. With honesty she revealed that she didn’t like any of the manifestations of her that came out, and as the meditation progressed, it only disturbed her more.

I decided to try the meditation at home, as part of my practice. I lit the candle, burnt some lavender oil, really cementing the mood, and moved into my meditation. Not surprisingly I found that I didn’t like the Marie that came out from behind the trees. Unexpectedly no matter how many times I called my name hoping to find another, SHE came out, she refused to be ignored, my dark side of he moon.

Let me describe her to you. In class, she decides there are some people she just doesn’t like. Maybe she feels that they muscle themselves into moves, try to get too much attention, seem to think they’re so great, so enlightened even if they seem only concerned with the asana (posture) part of the practice. She feels she’s justified in her dislike for those students.They’re the ones, after all behaving like they’re the master yogi

What she won’t admit is that she singles out people who do the asanas better than her, or maybe they kind of looks like her but skinnier and more advanced, which bothers her, breeding envy in her blood. My mind recognizes this isn’t helping me, for my own sanity I need to get over it. But sometimes I can’t, SHE over takes, and I become fixated on this poor soul who is now the victim of the daggers shooting from my eyes.

She follows me everywhere, polluting and tarnishing all of my endeavors, because wherever I go, I find someone else, that bothers me in that elusive, unreasonable way. What’s worse, is that sometimes I use her. I use her festering annoyance or envy to motivate myself to practice a posture until I too, can do it. And I feel good about it, even if I had to bankrupt my spiritual development to do it.

I haven’t found the strength to get rid of her, part of me likes that she motivates me, but lately I’ve become more and more ashamed of it. I hope that now that I’ve recognized her, and called her name, I’ll find a way to work with her, so that we can become whole, a union, a yoga.

I walked into class today, thinking I had a handle on the teacher training program. I felt, that since we were past the halfway mark, the rest of the program was going to progress similarly to the last couple of weeks. I was comfortable with the assists, and any lecture after anatomy was bound to be easy. I took my (comfortable) seat, ready to take notes, and absorb information. Today’s talk would be philosophy and more esoteric yoga. I was eager to learn both topics, but had already decided that I accepted the esoteric teachings only on a conceptual / scholarly level. It was fine as part of my education, but not part of my spiritual development. I mean, wheels of energy? Along my spine? Honey please. I’ve seen this chestnut before and I have to say, if the wheel with a thousand petals was there, I’d have known about it. Going forward I’ll keep in mind, decades of denial doesn’t mean the flower isn’t there, it just means it hasn’t blossomed.

How appropriate that it would be my first love, sound, to usher in my first enlightenment. Prana, was the topic, living, vital, and nourishing energy, what some call chi, or even “the force”. Our guest lecturer proposed that this prana (energy) could be created, and its’ flow navigated not by the obscure chakras, but by us, through humming. Skepticism was loudly rattling, and the exercises weren’t convincing me, instead they were putting me to sleep. In fact, I was asleep, and had just woke up when she was working us into into bridge and had us chant / hum the sounds that built energy. I got to “Vam” the sound of the second chakra, when I felt an internal vibration, and it wasn’t mild. The vibration continued with “Ram” the sound of the third chakra, but diminished progressively with “yam” (the chakra of the heart). I was awake, and I wanted more. When she asked for a volunteer to demo a pose, I took the opportunity to dive in.

I stood in front of the class, a bit nervous, but feeling the love. I closed my eyes, and she moved me into a variant of ardha chandrasana, prompting me to half hum- half chant the seven building (bij) sounds – laaaaam laaaam, vaaaam, raaaam, yaaaaaam, haaaaam, *gasp for air* ohm ohm, ohmmmmmmm — my world silently and slowly withdrew. Inhale, find my center. Exhale, repeat – laaaaam laaaam, vaaaam, raaaam, yaaaaaam, haaaaam, *softer inhale for air* ohm ohm, ohmmmmmmm. Inhale to find my center, tadasana. I could still feel the vibrations, and if I didn’t know better I would’ve sworn that there was a visible halo around me. I cracked my eyes open, I felt as if I’d been gone for hours. Everyone was smiling, and J our guest teacher was beaming, “Do you see anything different about her”? She asked in a way that almost implied SHE could see something different, is that possible? Maybe I shouldn’t be looking with my eyes. Something had changed. The chakras? The prana?

I’m unsure what to make of the experience, I feel strange talking about it, I’m afraid they’ll look at me the same way they look at people who swear they “see dead people”, I have hope that the other girls felt it too, that slight shift in the soul, as if light had finally shined into the dark corners.