Heart Full

I was rushing off to yoga class the other day, when a good friend of mine half asked and half stated, ” why bother, you don’t even get much of a workout.” Emotions, explanations, and excuses bubbled up, thankfully none came out. I paused.

They say a yogi counts their life, not by years, but by breaths. How was mine doing? What was its’ quality? The first clear memory I have of my breath was as an adolescent, twelve years old, a sprinter on my middle school track team. As a sprinter, I often found I was out of breath, running constantly to catch up with it, and the other runners. Later, as a cross country runner, I learned to conserve and regulate my breath. This was the last time I remember being kind to my breath. By the time I was in college, I learned the art of procrastination, barely making it to class on time by running up 10 flights of stairs, heaving as I took my seat, out of breath. Staying up all night driven by caffeine, and “rewarding” myself with cigarette breaks, polluting my breath.

A decade later, my body gave up on all nighters, yet I was still polluting my breath, and admittedly most mornings driven by caffeine. I would like to say that as soon as I had embarked on my yogic journey that these things stopped, that yoga miraculously changed me, but it didn’t. I can say that the deeper I follow this path, the more desires I’m able to overcome, or channel to productive expressions. I don’t smoke anymore, and I’m slowly weaning off the caffeine. I’m trying to improve my diet, but I’m keeping it real, the miracle of my change won’t happen over night, and I’m not going to set myself up for that disappointment.

Having left the relationship with my breath over a decade ago, I’ve spent the better part of a year getting reacquainted. I’ve been surprised by it’s fragility, and warmed by its’ healing as it weaves through my body. Every inhalation is an opportunity to participate in my life and in this world more. It’s a rare opportunity that I won’t take for granted again.

So as I turned to my friend carefully considering which answer to give, I found the honest one was the best one, “I’m going to learn how to breathe.” The words awkwardly hung between us, I figure I’ll get a follow up from her soon. I’m hopeful she’ll want more, who knows what can happen with a little bit of curiosity, and besides the workout is in fact awesome. Bonus.